I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
