Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
