I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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