I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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