It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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