Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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