the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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