i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
