I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
