Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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