last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
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