You smell like a Billy Joel song
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
