guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
