no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
