your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
