don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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