when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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