a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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