He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
