I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
