No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
