omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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