I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
