Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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