last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Life is so much better after having sex.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Ladies don't puke and tell
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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