If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My dick has a subreddit
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life