yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
