I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
