I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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