best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
