So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
