i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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