Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?