Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
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I want a grilled cheese and an IV
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance