Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
