I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
