Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
