my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
