Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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