It's Friday. Sex?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
