I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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