i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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