i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
