next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
