I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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