Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
