you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
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Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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