My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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