I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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