I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Someone came in the potted fern
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
