If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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