Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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