i was rollin on her like bob the builder
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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